I have scaled the bell tour of the Parliament building, and have often been seen walking into Mordor. More than I'd like, the fictitious character of the Dos Eques commercial is based on me. I speak fluent French, in Russian. I created a new civilization out of nothing but sand and elbow grease. I raced light, and won. I designed an entire and called it Atlantis but the gods did not approve and sank it. My charm is so contagious that a vaccine was created to cure it.

Using a raspberry milkshake I once saved a family of gazelles from a fire. Breakfast for dinner is my favorite dinner. More than once, various governments from across the globe have asked for my help. I have completed high school four times, in the same amount of time it takes to finish it once. My blood smells like cologne. My smile has blinded people miles away. I created a time machine and made Germany lose the second world war and made Tuesday come before Wednesday. I drink the recommended amount of eight glasses of water a day. Each day.

Once I wrestled a wolvarine and woke up in Japan. Once I partied with Phil, Stu and Alan and remembered the events of the night before. Once I jamed my finger on a basketball. It hurt. More than once Steven Hawking has asked me to check his math. I invented July. On Wednesday I turned a vampire into a vegetarian. Sundays I only eat sandwhiches. On Fridays I make sure to feed all the homeless people in any given town, I then have tea with the Queen. On Tuesdays I contemplate all the times I've been wrong. The list is very short. On Monday I opned 100 oysters. I found 100 perals.

"Dialogue is fun"

     "So, how's it going?" Joe asked.
    
     "Eh," Rob grunted, " not so good. My girl left me the other day. She just packed all her stuff and just left, without a word, while I was working."  Rob barked.

     "She was a tart anyway! Tell you what, tonight me and you are gonna go out and find you a new girl; a better girl, who's more beautiful in every way."

     Rob bellowed, "You insensitive prat! How dare you call her that! She was the only thing I cherished."

     "Wow, wow," Joe asserted, " calm down Rob, I didn't mean to upset you. I was only trying to offer some support. So how are you feeling about this whole thing? Do you need any help with anything?"

     "No, no I've got it all under control. I didn't mean to be so short tempered with you. I've just been having a bit of trouble dealing with this."

     "Well did she leaving anything? Did you have any suspicions about her? Do you think she was seeing someone else and ran off with him?" Joe inquired.

     "If she did, I would be on my way to prison once i found them." Rob declared.

     Joe, disapprovingly, remarked "Rob are you talking about killing them! That is way to extreme of a position to take on this situation. If you were to kill her, all the work you've done to get where you are today, would be waisted: your company, your life and all those years left to experience."

     "I throw that all away if she left me for another man!" Rob yelled, " There is no way i could ever forgive her for cheating on me!"

     "What if it was me she ran off with me? Would you kill your best friend and her? How could you take another persons life?"

     "Maybe your right" Rob muttered, "Maybe I will just let her go." Rob cried, "Maybe She'll be happier without me. Maybe I'll find someone that makes me happier too."

     "Hey, don't worry about it. Tonight we'll go out and have some fun; maybe we'll find you someone new."

    


 

George was alone in the stable when Curley's wife appeared in the doorway. Their eyes locked and George had his back against the wall. She had no intention of beating around the bush. George could tell she had an axe to grind.            "What do you want?” George demanded, realizing he may bite off more than he can chew. “Well looked what the cat dragged in” Curley’s wife spat. George was caught between a rock and a hard place. George backed away as slow as molasses. “Why are you backing away from me? I just want to talk. You can’t tell your ass from your elbow can you? I’m only trying to break new ground with you. Jesus you are as dumb as a brick aintcha?" That's when George decided to try out the ace up his sleeve, "You're just a babe in the woods aren't you? Don"t know what to do with yourself without your better half. It' cost me an arm and a leg to get where I am now, and a tart like you isn't going to mess it up for me."    "Well, better late than never that you grew a back bone, all dogs have their day I guess. You know what really gets my goat?" Curley's fine asked. "No but I bet you'll tell me." "What really gets me is that you boys don't understand the countless hours i have to spent with Curly. I hate him: he's arrogant, self absorbed and a jerk. You boys only have to deal with him during the work days I have him every night; having to listen to him drone on and on." Curleys wifes words seemed to cut thought George like butter and George started blubbering like a baby. "I'm sorry," George balled, "But i have to go through the same thing with Lennie." Quick as a bunny George pulled his socks up and stopped crying, which left Curley's wife stunned silent. It seemed that her words were the straw that broke the camels back and George ran out of the barn leaving Curly's wife perplexed.                    

The Nazi

Connor Warren
2462 Green Ave
Penticton, B.C.
V7Y 3H9

September 22, 2011

Steven Phillips
Mayor,
Small town, British Columbia

Dear sir,
     It is to my understanding, that you have come across some very controversial evidence, applying to Mr. Gunter Grass. As i understand it Mr. Grass was the commandant of a German concentration camp in Poland during the second world war, and that he was responsible for the deaths of 15,000 people. I believe that Gunter Grasses actions during this time period should be over looked.

     Mr. Grass in quit possibly the best thing that could have happened to our small village. This man is incredibly selfless. If ever you were unable to afford ends meet, the only man that they could count on was Mr. Grass, he would no matter the circumstances would lend a helping hand by making sure they have enough money to cover their expenses. With out his financial aid these families would surely become impoverished . Living on the streets and unable to feed their families leaving the a defeated empty shell of their former selves. As if this selfless attitude wasn't enough Gunter Grass is also a large contributor to various charities. These selfless acts are not those a a harsh Nazi death camp commandant.

     I don't believe that Mr. Grass wanted to be in charge of such an evil place. His selfless attitude doesn't fit the image I have of an evil leader of a German death camp. He has a large family consisting of multiple children and and grandchildren. The man is 92 years old, and has yet to be put on trial for his crimes. He is much to old to repeat his offences, as well his old age means that he won't be around for an extended period of time.

     Without Gunter our small village would be without a factory that keeps this town alive. Employing many people from our village enjoy working, and making good money. This profitable factory keeps the money flowing thought this town keeping it alive. If Gunter is charged the people working at the factory may feel cheated and no longer wish to work, or live in a town where people are to be punished for committing crimes over half a century ago.

     In my opinion Mr. Gunter Grass should be pardoned for his previous crimes. His selflessness in the present far out way his previous crimes.

Sincerely,
Connor Warren
   

Our last year.

     Our fist last day of school begins. We rejoice, in the fact that our last year of high school has begun. Most are thinking of the great times to come in the our last year, but our thoughts should be transfixed on the future. As of now we have been babied by our parents and the public school system. We believe we are prepared for the future, but once we enter the post secondary world, our optimistic attitudes turn to misery. We are faced with either paying an exorbitant amount of money for a higher education, and facing gargantuan debt. Or face a world of minimum wage and a life of deciding, food or shelter. In our last year, I look ahead, with abundant amounts of indecision. " Will I work? Will I go to school?" We stuck between a rock and a hard place. Parents laying on pressure to go to school. Not knowing what you want to do. Going to a good school. Affording a car. The lack of decision may be our downfall, but this is our last year, enjoy the babying will you still can.